bridezilla almost caused me to have a stroke

I sit here in Washington DC after spenting a fantastic day enjoying the sights and sampling the delicious foods from the Eastern Market. (We also ran into Al Frankin...the SNL alum Senator from Minnesota...only noteworthy because of my preoccupation with obtaining the hot apple cider inconveniently positioned directly behind him. No pseudo- celebrity or Senator is important enough to deserve my respect whilst blocking me from hot apple cider...hence he almost took an elbow to the chest) After purchasing fresh produce, we headed back to Kate's apartment for relaxation....and drinking. Within a short amount of time, I had depleted Tom of his emergency supply of Natty Light cans occupying the often forgotten posterior wall of the fridge. Understanding my level of intoxication, Kate wisely decided to begin cooking dinner in an attempt to dilute the alcohol streaming through my veins.

As is the case with any given Sunday at my house, we decided to put on a movie while enjoying the fruits of Kate's labor. Unable to agree on a movie, we settled on watching an episode of our much beloved Bridezilla. Bridezilla is a TV show that follows a soon to be bride during her planning process...all the while catching her acting in manner that would offend Joseph Stalin. This particular episode centered around a New York bride who behaved in such an entitled and superior way, that I literly sat on the couch with my jaw open and unable to formulate words. This bride spent most of her wedding planning mocking "poor people" and bragging about her father's endless wallet. Perhaps because I was mildly drunk off ghetto beer, I found myself shaking with rage and longing to rip her tongue out of her head...thus giving me a murdering instrument. ( To reader who do not understand me...I would use her own tongue to strangle the shallow life out of her body...no big deal)

Despite my mind being clouded with beer, I quickly recognized my physical inability to appropriately deliver to her the only thing she truely deserved....pain and suffering. However, the desire to smack her was too strong, so I decided to research the Bridezilla's website....hoping to discover a means of contacting this waste of life. Thankfully I was able to find a platform to broadcast my hate. The comment printed below is the actual rant that I authored and posted. Remember that this was written while I was wasted and running off of pure hate. I am very proud of it and can only hope that this Bridezilla reads it..although I have serious doubts as to her literacy level....

So, this stupid slut Karen ran her mouth saying that she hated poor people and she was better than everyone else. You stupid spoiled whore, you never worked a day in your life, you live off your father. Your are what is wrong with our country, I am a 25 year old who graduated from college with no debt, bought my own house and support half of my family and actually value more than material goods. You are a waste of life and I literally hope sickness and misfortune on you. You feel as though you are entitled to mock people who actually work for a living, make less then your father and cannot afford to spend as much as you on your cheesy, flashy, shallow, 1980's wedding. i watched your episodes of Bridezilla with a look of shock and disgust on my face, having to be told by my sister to calm down. Yes, I watched your episodes, thus giving you what you want...I have watched numerous episodes of this show for pure amusement. However, you are the worst...not the worst Bridezilla...but the worst human being on the face of the earth..Adolf Hitler had more positive characteristics. I CANNOT wait for you to get fat so that your husband leaves you and you are alone. I was raised with ambition and goals, understanding that I am worth more than one solitary wedding day. I will never be defined by who I marry and how lavish my wedding day is....EVERYONE gets married. It doesn't make you special. Nice mark you left on the world, you no frills anonymous whore. YOU are nothing and the world will be better when you die.