Mikey T's birthday

In keeping with my usual and comfortable pattern of life I hosted a party at my frat house in celebration of my cousin Mike's birthday this past Saturday night. My morning started out with me being ripped out of my slumber from my very excited and perhaps ADD affected sister Kate. She has picked up the habit of waking up at the crack of dawn and being unable to entertain herself for more that a few hours. Thankfully Laura is also a relatively early riser, so they are able to entertain each other until I regain consciousness...usually a good 7 hours after they begin their day. Unfortunately Laura had class bright and early, leaving me to be the Kate entertainer of the morning.



After quickly dressing and packing my to-go container of road grapes, Kate and I headed off to the Main Line. Kate recently noticed that a completely useless and unnoticeable lighter in her back console had liberated itself from its home...perhaps in an attempt to commit suicide. Regardless, Kate made us start our day at a Volkswagon lot getting the suicidal lighter fixed.



Through the very act of accomplishing this errands, Kate and I actively participated in our favorite form of sisterly bonding...the Ladies of Leisure day. Ladies of leisure day began last year when I begged Kate to accompany me to my first ever Cardiologist appointment. I, in turn, accompanied her to yet another Volkswagon dealership car check up. In an attempt to occupy our time until the car was finished we decided to patron a local mainline restaurant and share a delicious lunch...equip with a newly purchased 6 pack of beer. We sat in that restaurant all afternoon, drinking and chatting with the only other person there, who just happened to be our waiter. We laughed about how rich middle age women "lunch" with their friends in the afternoon of any given weekday afternoon.. This idea entertained us soo much that we began to hold ladies of leisure days every few weeks. Sometimes they involve Laura, all the time they involve alcohol. I cherish these days because they allow me to participate in my 2 favorite past times: drinking with my sisters and slapping a theme onto otherwise ordinary days of running life errands. This desire to live constantly in a theme was summarized best in a Paul Simon lyric....Steph Schramm lives her life in "the atmosphere of freaky holiday".



Anyway, after providing babysitting instructions to the mechanics, kissing her car goodbye and promising to return later for a recovery mission, we set off for a coffee shop and dollar store shopping. The only noteworthy occurrence during this time was the discovery and hasty purchasing of 2 of the most ridiculous hats in Pennsylvania. With the discovery of these hats, I was able to see what had been missing from each previous lady of leisure day: costumes! With these hats ever present on our head..we returned home to prepare for the night...stopping only to purchase beer and a birthday Hustler magazine with a bonus 100 hours of porn DVD.

It had been the plan for 2 weeks to drink at my house and then walk to my favorite local bar to dance ridiculously and make fools out of ourselves...a plan I felt we could easily pull off as we have had numerous dress rehearsals for just such an event. Just as I began getting in happy party mode...Mikey T delivered me some annoying and unwelcome news. It appeared that a previous friend of mine was also planning to have a night out at my bar. This "friend" and myself recently had a falling out over hair dye colors and opposing preferential toothpaste brands....so clearly running into aforementioned person would be awkward. I, myself, thrive on awkward encounters...but having been said persons friend for a number of years taught me that person gets nervous and uncomfortable in confrontation type encounter (not that there would be a confrontation). I decided to simple text message this person, providing alittle warning and thus preparation time for our converging plans. Like a smack in the face I recieved a message back subtly asking me not to "start trouble". I guess the smack part would be the fact that after our years of friendship, I was concerned for said person's comfort level, but was given back a response that would be more appropriately directed at a tantrum throwing toddler. But people change.

Despite my newly found hostility, our party continued. Earlier in the night I had invited my Uncle Pat and Uncle Buzzard to join our celebration. Putting the band of Mr Schramm, Pat and Buzzard back together is a constant goal of mine as combined they are the funniest people on earth. I was disappointed with each passing hour...losing faith in their attendance. However, at exactly 11:00, Triple H aka Uncle PAAAAAAAAAAAAAT made his guest appearance. After a bit of negotiation we were able to convince Uncle Pat and Mr Schramm into joining us at my bar...so we grab our Ladies of Leisure day driving hats and set out for the bar.

Thankfully due to our late arrival, my hostility inducing ex friend was no longer participating in her girls night out. We walked into a less than exciting group of Delco drunks...but it didnt take long for us to overtake the place. By this point, my little sister's boyfriend (Laura was at a concert) and a few of his friends arrived and joined our group. It should be noted that I also ran into my friend Chrissy who shared news with me that made me wish I had remembered to bring my murdering ax. Keep in mind my earlier experience with my "friend", the fact that I had been drinking for a few hours and my Schramm induced intolerance of disrespectful behavior. My hostility materialized into an angry text message directed at an only slightly deserving reciepient...and also kinda made me look like a crazy person. Ironically enough...I am a crazy person so apparently you get what you see.

After obtaining 2 six packs of rolling rock, our obligatory DJ harassing began. I threw off my shoes and bag and joined Kate, Mikey T, Buttons and Tom on the dance floor...the same dance floor Kate would claim a shorty was burned alive on. Eventually I looked up and noticed that my Uncle Buzzard had arrived..and now he and Uncle Pat were rocking the Ladies of Leisure day driving hats. I also caught a glimpse of Matt (Laura's boyfriend), who had decorated himself with every article of clothing I had removed. He then joined us on the dance floor and proceded to do the best chest out, arms back, bird resembling dance ever created. In this manner, we quickly moved (i would not necessarily call it dancing) around the small area reserved for drunk dancing. In a form of self preservation, the DJ began to only take requests from our group...My hostility may have been spilling onto others at this point...The highlight of my night was watching my entire family dance to Billie Jean wearing the ladies of leisure hats...followed by the choreographed Beat it Dance with added slipping in spilled beer and landed on my back move perfected by myself.

By the time the bar was closing each member of my group were each attempting to out do eachother with stroke victim impressions. I would not describe us as being in rare form...but we were is some form as well spilled out onto 420..Mikey T still drinking his last call beer. Finding ourselves kicked out of a bar after last call left us no choice but to.....begin the slow march home...??? Nope. Obviously being kicked out of a bar after last call, the most intellegent and sensible thing to do would be to drop and begin doing as many push ups as my drunk arms would allow. Thus, if you drove down 420 at 2:30 am on Sun Oct 4th, it was me and my uncle pat doing push-ups outside of Marty Magees. And I loved every minute of it!