. My father is a councilman in Folcroft..which I'm pretty sure just means having the power to control police presence outside his unwanted neighbor's house. My older sister Kate lives in DC running the office of a certain pennsylvania senator whom shall remain nameless. Unfortunately my only contribution to the world of politics comes in the form of often requiring large amounts of alcohol to quiet the rage I have regarding politics and placing Anti-Obama merchandise around my entire house...Despite my own personal lack of legitimate activism, I live in a world surrounded by politics. Even as children, my sisters and I were expected to understand basic political hierarchies, news worthy events and matters of historic significance. Returning home from school with a report card showing a B in social studies was not acceptable... returning home from school with an A in social studies and a B in science was praised. After finding himself a bachelor in his 40's, my father even took to decorating his "bachelor" pad with framed copies of the Declaration of Independence and Constitution...very traditional single man decor. I can remember standing by his front door for hours trying to memorize the Declaration of Independence simply because it occurred to me that I could not recite it verbatim. Later this knowledge came in handy as a bar trick of sorts...usually involving a keg.During the election last year I was elated to place numerous signs on my front lawn broadcasting my political beliefs like a spotlight...because everyone knows that the person who has the most signs on their front lawn will end up victorious and therefore has the right to shove their beliefs down everyone elses throat. With this in mind, I was willing to place any sign out front that showed my disdain for liberals and my faith in all things conservative. Therefore, when Kate told me she wanted me to place a sign on my lawn supporting a local politician that she had come to know through her job, I was more than willing. Proudly I displayed this sign...and more importantly I even remembered to vote for him on election day. (A minor miracle due to my extreme hate and preoccupation with wanting to hit everyone who attempted to hand me a vote for change pamphlet...i never claimed to be a rational person). Other outcomes of the election aside, it turned out that aforementioned politician won a seat as a state representative...obviously because of my sign.
Fast forward a few month and I learned that this man was being sent back into the military and he was hosting a going way party at my favorite bar. Usually I need only someone to say a word rhyming with this bar's name for me to want to go, so clearly there was no question of my attendance. My sisters and I decided to have alittle pre- going away party party at my house...which is not uncommon due to the fact that i own and operate a Frat House. So, we threw a party. We decided to head to the bar around 10pm, so we have a couple hours of drinking ahead of us. By about 9:30 that night, the party had dwindled down to my sisters, their boyfriend, my father and my cousin...obviously no one else though it would be as hilarious as we did to attend this bar party...(I think I failed to mention that, by this point, this politician had attempted to court Kate numerous times and failed..and therefore he became alittle bit of a joke to us). So, there we are, drinking in the living room and preparing to explode into what I can only imagine is the weirdest going away party in the history of Marty Magees (my bar). Understanding our level of intoxication allow the reader to understand why the next part of the story is so funny. Throughout the night this politicians name was said repeatedly in referencing our plans for later. Eventually his name was not good enough and he was simply being referred to by a Schramm- imposed name that rhymed with his own. Thus is the birth of Dick Smackarelli and my favorite night ever.
By the time we were getting ready to leave for the bar we had taken to only chanting Dick Smackarelli on repeat..gathered our stuff chanting, locked the door chanting and then walked single file down my walkway and to my fathers car chanting out new favorite phrase. We must have looked like some insane cult or drunken army. My neighbors certainly would have called the cops if we have even once substituted We love Allah in place of Dick Smackarelli. Thankfully no one made mention of anything that could be misconstrued as a terrorist threat and we made it to the bar without incident. By this point my father was only tolerating us because he, being a councilman himself, saw this as an important means of supporting other politicians. So, we arrived at the bar and again resumed our single file line and marched in chanting, now much more quietly.
My first reaction was that of horror...the bar was crowded but with people wearing dress slacks and tucked in collared shirts and despite the presence of a DJ, no one was dancing. Kate and my father immediately began greeting the people that they knew and introducing themselves to people that they should know. I couldn't be bothered with this...I had been in the bar for 7 minutes and did not have a drink or hear a song that made me want to dance. I pushed my way through the crowd to the bar and was greeted by my favorite bartender Frank. Frank took my debit card and opened a tab..and I knew from experience that this meant that I was going to be taken care of. Many times I have left this bar having purchased drinks for my entire group and owing only 13 dollars. So, I happily gathered enough drinks for my posse and set out to distribute them to their new owners. I found my father talking to a coworker...got caught in conversation. I found Kate talking to Dick, got caught in conversation. By this point I was even more annoyed, as I was still not dancing and everyone was spread out too far for me to find. Kate decided that this was the perfect time to introduce me to my new favorite catch phrase. I, of course, was not interested in meeting this geeky looking man but i played my part. He shook my hand and I greeted him with, "I had your sign on my front lawn, so...ya know...Your welcome." He did not look amused with me so I felt pretty safe walking away and heading back up to the bar, mostly because I wanted to get away from the political circle forming around Dick, Kate and my father. I reached the bar only to turn and realize that Dick had followed me..."Ya know", he said.."Your sister Kate is one of my top 5 favorite females that I wouldn't date". Liar, you totally wanna date her...I heard about the "business meeting" that ended with Kate having to defend her relationship with her boyfriend. "Oh, well that's nice..I like her too,..who else would you say is in that group...your mother?" I'm very clever. "So Kate tells me your a nurse.." True, I am a nurse....good memory. "You know, I could have your nursing license taken away from you if I wanted." Oh, okay, I see how this is going. Actually I don't because I don't even know what he is talking about. This small scale politician is going to go to Harrisburg and pull my nursing license and get it taken away from me? Okay, go for it buddy. I assume that he was attempting to impress me with his "power" but unfortunately for him power does not impress me and further, now he had threatened me. My response was to say the first thing that came to my mind..."I wish that I could build a time machine so that I could go back to November and not vote for you." With that I walked away in search of my little sister. ...
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